Category Archives: humor

What’s in a name-Oh My-read on

Doing my end of year cleaning through old files I ran across something I Xeroxed well over a decade ago. It is an article I believe came from a magazine. It is a short piece on the hidden meanings within names of well known actors. For instance if you rearrange the letters of actor Christian Slater, you get- Thin, classier rat. You can make your own jokes.

I could  save the best for last, but I will give it here, it is too precious. Clint Eastwood, when you rearrange the letters in his name you get, and what could be more perfect-Old west action. Makes you wonder doesn’t it. Eastwood made a name for himself, first in television with “Rawhide,” then in those spaghetti westerns, not to mention other great westerns he made like “Unforgiven” that won four Oscars.

Want more? Woody Allen is A lewd loony. Former wife Mia farrow may think he is both loony and lewd. I prefer his looniness.

Jennifer Aniston is Fine in torn jeans. I am sure she is.

Kim Basinger is Big sin maker. In her day she certainly was, and in a good way.

Tom Cruise is I’m so cuter. I am not making these names up. Feel free to rearrange the letters yourself.

Oliver Stone is No overt lies. Were there any in JFK? Or was that an enigma wrapped in a riddle?

Sean Connery is On any screen. And that works for me. Best James Bond ever.

Stanley Kubrick is Kinky, abler cuts. He did make a kinky movie, “Eyes Wide Shut” and as director he cut lots of films, and was quite able to do so.

Mel Gibson is Limbs N’ ego. Enough said.

Sigourney Weaver is Ever rogue in ways. Boy, was she rogue in “Alien” or what.

Kate Winslet is Wet skin tale. I think she got her skin wet in the tale of the “Titanic”.

Adam Sandler is Mad lad earns. Money certainly, more than he earns laughs though.

Leonardo DiCaprio is Adored in cool pair. Of shorts?

Then there are others like the following that cause one to pause.

Michael Douglas is Eh! I am a cold slug. Sorry man.

Goldie Hawn is Winged halo.

Dustin Hoffman is Offhand, I’m nuts.

Geena Davis is Age invader

Demi Moore is Moodier me

Uma Thurman is Ah! A mum turn. Is she playing mothers yet?

And finally I close with Drew Barrymore who is Merry wardrobe.

or should I close with Jamie Lee Curtis who is Slim juice eater

I will add one to the list in consideration of a recent holiday. Santa is Satan. But we knew that, right? 

My e-Books with un rearranged letters are found here.

 

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Why New Years resolutions don’t’ work

I am writing this ahead of time to warn you of the pitfalls of making resolutions. Most resolutions don’t work because they are made when too much bubbly is in your system and though well intentioned in that moment, you know deep down in dawn of morning there ain’t no way you will follow through.

It is the morning after when the new day sobers you up and you realize the person next to you is not the person you thought you knew, in fact, may not be anyone you know, or you wake up and realize you know the person, and are sorry that you do.

You can’t start a new year, a new outlook, new goals, a new you on the first of January. Hung over, dry heaves, wet heaves, with only football games for redemption to free you from  . . . what did I resolve to do?

Won’t work.

No you must make resolutions now in order to acclimate yourself for the new year. It is like baseball players in spring training, or football players in training camp; you must prepare yourself. You can not jump into it on New Years Eve. Well, okay, you can, and it is a lot of fun, but I am talking about resolutions here.

What I have resolved to do as of Sunday, December the 6th, is to rise each morning and eat breakfast while reading my emails, or should say deleting 20 of 25 without bothering to read. Then brew some tea, either green, oolong, or jasmine. I drink the tea because it has not only antioxidants, but a caffeine jolt to jump start my brain to write my 2,000 words Monday through Friday. One thousand words, then stop to exercise my body so that my rear end does not spread out like an amok excel spreadsheet. Then write another 1,000 words. After that I shall read, as I have tons of unread books, so many that my space looks like a literary agents growing slush pile. I am a book hoarder that must climb out from my computer chair like a mountain goat on Everest.

So I am now officially in training for my new 2,000 words a day. I don’t know how long it will last, but I am already eagerly looking forward to jumping into New Year’s Eve.

My website

My Amazon page with 5 delightful e-Books

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How I saved my cat and my novel

What a wonderful thing Word.doc is. Before computers, writers had to use something called a typewriter, an instrument that, like a computer keyboard, had letters to click, but unlike typewriters, Word is easier to correct. What a wonderful word is ‘delete.’

But Word is terrible at grammar, as many of you writers already know. Working on my new novel I wrote ‘I’m too. . .

I must pause to tell you that the original title for this blog was Why Writers Can’t Trust Word. I was going to show the sentence I wrote and why the Word.doc grammar Nazi underlined ‘I’m’ and said it should be ‘I are.’

I got as far as I mentioned because I went to the document that has the manuscript for my novel in progress. I wrote 1,600 words yesterday in chapter three, words that would throw a big wrench into the murder mystery, taking the story in a new direction with many questions to be pondered. I was immensely proud of the output and what I had written. So I wanted to find the sentence that began ‘I’m too. . . ‘ and show why Word knows little about grammar. He can’t be trusted. I had other examples I had written down as evidence. But when I scrolled down to chapter three, yesterday’s work was gone. It wasn’t there; it was gone, as in gone. That means it wasn’t there. 1,600 words disappeared.

What happened? My first thought was to go to system restore to retrieve my work, but according to my system the safe place was four days ago. Then I thought that I had failed to click ‘save’ when I logged out yesterday. That had to be the reason.

I think Word knew I was going to trash him in a blog and sabotaged my work. No Matter. I saved the beginning of this blog, went back to chapter three and the only thing to do was write down the structure of what I had written. I wrote down the essentials, a summary if you will ,of the scene. I was not going to rewrite until I recalled everything that went on as that would make the writing easier. But. . .

You may not believe this, but just as I finished the summary that contained everything I needed, the power flashed off, radio, lights, computer-(the lights just flickered again as I am writing this-I am in a big rain storm with high winds in the Pacific Northwest, thus the outage.) So now my summary was lost, just as I had finished it.  So I started a second time while it was all fresh in my mind. I told myself if the power goes out again I am going to grab a bottle of gin, kick the cat out the window, crawl into my bed, curse the world, and read a book.

Luckily for the cat the power did not go off, but as I am typing this the lights still flicker. In fact I just saved this draft, honest. I am not going through this another time.

I saved my work so I can finish chapter three, but I will not work on it today. I must grieve first. And since the power did not go off forcing me to kick the cat out the window, I saved her life. So if you are a writer remember to look at ‘save’ before you click. Make sure you save your work. Your cat will thank you. Now I am going to bed and read. I don’t care if it is just after noon.

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Stories I wrote from the grave

coyotemoon_cemetaryb

 

Yes that is my name on the tombstone. Yes I am dead. But I was able to write eight short stories of horror that is now a live e-book on Amazon. It is no easy task writing in a coffin. It is cramped and damn dark. Lucky me for me I memorized the keyboard. I also had the foresight to pick a tree that has Wi-Fi.

My logline for this book is:

Stories in the spectral shadows where transition from life to death becomes blurred; where shadows haunt both the living and the dead; where shadows disorient and confuse.

If, like me, you are dead, the book is free. If you are still among the living, you may contribute 3.99 to Amazon and they will come to my grave once a month and drop coins into the slot on top of the tombstone. Even the dead have expenses. Air freshener is a top priority. I also need a saw to cut off the tree root that is coming through the coffin bottom and edging towards my bottom. Quite uncomfortable.

I know, I know, stop complaining you say. We all have problems. Hey, I’m dead, a little sympathy please.

Story one is about a different kind of a theatre, one you may or may not want to visit. Story two is about a house in the woods that may or may not be haunted; it is for you to decide. Story three is about a man walking in a cemetery and has trouble communicating with those he meets. The fourth story is my humble attempt to reimagine the ending of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein.”

The fifth story is about a crazed killer who -no, I can’t tell you. Story six is about a boy going to his first parade. Ah, how sweet. So you might think before reading this story. The seventh story is about a man who wakes up and finds a dead woman in his bed and has no idea who she is. And the final story is about what happens to a writer creating stories like the previous seven, a story where some characters will be familiar.

For my family and friends on Facebook who never wish me Happy Birthday, never comment on anything I post, never like anything I post, you can buy the book, but do not have to read it. Just think how wonderful the cover will look on your desktop, what with my name on the tombstone.

Here is a link to this book on Amazon if you would like to contribute to my afterlife happiness.

 

 

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A book lovers dream house

room with viewA book lover by nature wants a house with a view and especially a view of water. Here we have a nice corner nook with a wooden floor (book lovers don’t go in for plush shag carpeting) with a tasteful rug, and a comfortable chair with armrests. And of course you notice two shelf bookcases filled with books. In the middle of the picture between those two cushions is an area for cheese and crackers and a glass of wine. Or, if you are like me, a dozen maple bars.

This area is one in which you read the classics. It is perfect for Homer’s Odyssey, The Last Days of Socrates by Plato, Paradise Lost, but nothing of Thoreau. You take Thoreau when you go camping.

Having immersed yourself in the classics during the week, you can read cozy mysteries here on weekends.

 

 

 

home libraryTo the right you is a picture you see a wonderful library guarded by your dog-he comes with the house-and you notice his front legs are ready to spring into action as a true guard dog would do in protecting your library. On the other hand he could be thinking you are bringing him a treat. And look at the most comfy chair to snuggle up with a book and the small side table for more wine-Riesling, for this room, red for the corner nook above. A must have spiral staircase and a ladder for checking out all the great references books like The Oxford History of the Classical World, or The Complete Sherlock Holmes, or perhaps John Fowles, but not Harold Robbins or Jackie Collins.

And I am sure you notice the window facing the armchair. If you don’t like the view you can place a High-definition TV there in order to watch Masterpiece Theatre, then read Thackeray, Dickens, Thomas Hardy, and Kurt Vonnegut.

 

 

closet book nookAnd here we have a wonderful Nook. This can be your office. I think the room is too feminine and the horse and rider must go along with the wallpaper. This room is a fixer-upper.

But it has great potential with perhaps the most comfortable place to read in the house. It is also a place where you are more liable to fall asleep so you want more light reading here. Or books you don’t want any visitors to know that you read. You know who I mean, Harold Robbins-but Tom Robbins is perfect; not Jackie Collins, but Willkie Collins is okay.

It is also a cozy place to settle in with your significant other and read erotica together. If no ‘other’ is available, this is a good spot for your cat to settle onto your lap and purr as you read the play script of Cats. And you can serenade your pet with songs from the play.

I suggest doing that last bit when no company is in the house, otherwise you are likely to end up in therapy.

 

Here we have a unique chair. The cushion looks comfy, but your elbows may have to rest on the tops of books as they are taller than the chairs side. I recommend paperbacks on the top so that problem is eliminated. The type of books are cop thrillers, suspense, horror-Dean Koontz and Stephen King-and fast summer types of reads.

book chair

 

 

 

 

 

And now to bed.

 

bookbed

 

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My Amazon bookshelf

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Do you loath or do you loathe

A writer wants, no needs, no Must, get the right word for the right meaning. And many words can easily finds their way into a sentence where they do not belong. Loath, for instance, means unwilling or reluctant, as in “I am loath to go to Seattle Seahawk game and watch them self destruct once again in the fourth quarter.” Loathe, on the other hand means to dislike greatly or abhor, as in,  “I loathe to go to a Seattle Seahawk game and watch them self destruct once again in the fourth quarter.” 

As you can see, sometimes different words can  have the same meaning at times. I can loath and loathe at the same time for the same reason.

But there are more problem words. Let’s try again. Illegible and unreadable are not the same thing. Illegible means the document can not be read because the handwriting is so poor it is undecipherable. Unreadable can’t be read because what was written is not interesting, or incomprehensible, that it makes no sense, even though you can read the words.

The other day I was bugged with the ‘which word is it’ problem when I wanted to write the word that means the origin of words. But I typed ‘entomology’ and that is the study of insects. It drove me buggy because I could not think of the correct word-it is etymology. You can see how easy it is to confuse those two words. Those words are troublesome, but not as bad as capitol or capital.

But words do not have to sound similar, as illegible and unreadable indicate. If you think humorous and comical mean the same, sorry, they have different meanings. I will let you research those words and I will quiz you later.

I bring all this up as another example of proofreading problems. It is more than spelling, more than grammar, more than punctuation. It is also, and arguably more important, to get the right word with the right meaning in the right sentence. You might be legible in your writing, but if you confuse the reader too much you become unreadable. I hope this blog is not confusing you.

I will leave with the problem of ‘is and are.’ Is means singular as in he is, she is, or it is. Are is plural as in ‘we are’. However, when the subject is elusive, it is the authors discretion to use either word. In other words, two times three IS six and two times three ARE six are both correct.

I don’t know how I can learn a foreign language when I am still trying to figure out English.

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My hopefully readable e-books at Amazon

 

 

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The truth about snot and why you will like it

What is snot?

Snot is the burned part of the candle wick. Snotty candles would nicely illuminate supper in a cosh.

What is a cosh?

A cosh is a small hut or cottage to retire to after doing your daily darg.

What is darg?

Darg is a days work.

What you have just read comes from-what a reviewer most likely would say- is a delightful little book. The book is “Poplollies and Bellibones” subtitled “A celebration of Lost Words.” It was written by Susan Kelz Sperling and published by Penguin in 1977. It is for those who love words, history, culture, and etymology. It is not a big thick reference book coming in at 113 pages. Thus the word delightful, or charming, or fun; take your pick.

It has fun words like squiddle-to waste time with idle talk -something I trust I am not doing at the moment. But there are also a couple of words like floccinaucinihilipilfication, a word that I doubt any person of that time would use, unless said person was an ancestor of William F. Buckley, a known sesquipedalian who never met a long word he disliked, nor a short word he liked. You will find sesquipedalian in your dictionary, but not that long word which means the habit of belittling.

Most of the words in the book come from England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales, and though these words may now be dead, like Japanese soldiers found in caves years after World War 2 who had no idea the war was over, there may be isolated pockets where these words may still be in use, though the odds of that are slim to none.

Beyond the fun of the book is something else. It shows how over centuries language changes. I remember in college having to read Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales” in its original 14th century English. Pronunciation was like trying to speak a foreign language; understanding the writing made more difficult. Seven centuries later you can see how new words arise replacing certain words for too many reasons to cover in a blog.  Consider it is changing even today. A tweet comes not from a bird, but from an account. A selfie is now a picture portrait. Language changes by many means; technology, culture,  slang, are just three methods.

I am not sure the book I mentioned is in print anymore. On Amazon you find a listing of editions that are being offered as new and used, but I think the links are to sellers and not to Amazon itself. But I will leave you with an ancient activity called ‘flapdragon,’ the fun sport of catching raisins in bowls of flaming brandy or drinking the brandy without getting burned as a tribute to one’s mistress. Even bar drinking games have changed.

My website

My amazon page, where books are written with mostly modern language with some flapperese thrown in on “Loonies in Hollywood

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