I am not a celebrity, far from it. Fame eludes me like I am a skunk with raised tail-which reminds me, it is time for my monthly shower. I have no cache, no cash, no facial lifts, no sex change, nothing, zip. Andy Warhol lied when he said everyone would have fifteen minutes of fame and that is probably a good thing for me if my experience as guest speaker at a writers conference is any indication.
This was not just any writers conference, this one was organized by my cat Missy, held in my living room, and attended by cats from all over the neighborhood, which is a small cul de sac in a small town in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. But you have to start somewhere and this could be a good experience if I was ever to be a guest speaker at a real conference.
Since cats don’t understand what humans say, or pretend to, Missy prepared an impressive Cat-English dictionary and accompanying audio tape. I know I said cats don’t understand our language, but Missy was famous at one time, doing hundreds of TV and print commercials for cat foods and kitty liter. She worked for years and was trained by a Hollywood animal handler. She was a frequent guest on David Letterman.
The audio tape would have a typical mew, then inflections, tones, loud mews, soft mews, purrs, literally all the sounds a cat makes. The mews were in order with the book so that the first mew on the tape was the first mew in the dictionary with its translation. I memorized all the sounds and was ready for my audience.
As they sauntered in, one intense looking alley cat mewed with piercing loudness, “where’s the food?” A hepcat with sunglasses mewed “Chill alley pussy.” The alley cat hissed at hepcat, hung his head and laid down. They all gathered in front of me, all nine of them, including Missy. The hepcat then said through a laid back mew, “We were told catnip was available man. You holding?” I looked at Missy. She looked away.
Fortunately I was holding and had enough to make my audience happy. I thought it a good idea to have them relaxed and I figured the catnip was good for cat control. I sensed I needed a mellow audience. The problem is there is mellow LSD nip and crank inspired nip. I had the latter, much to my surprise. Then I realized Missy had picked it out at the store.
The action got so crazy I had to leave. I went to a local family-owned theatre showing a revival of Top Cat cartoons. I came home to chewed up furniture, a sofa with stuffing pulled out, pillow feathers all over the bedroom, and bags of cat food torn open with Meow Mix scattered throughout the house. It turned out it was an elaborate plan by Missy to host a cat drug orgy. There were more cats than when I left, all of them passed out.
And this is why I am glad I am not famous. Look at what happened to Missy’s life.