Woody Allen’s battle in the 60’s is my battle today

Woody Allen had a comedy bit on mechanical objects from his standup days in the 1960’s that I identified with so strongly I never forgot it.  I am not mechanically inclined. What Ed Wood is to movies, I am to Mr. Fixit. This problem has carried over to e-world. And the problem is worse, as you will soon find out.

English: Woody Allen in concert in New York City.

English: Woody Allen in concert in New York City. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But first, to set the stage, here is a link to Woody’s routine on YouTube. It lasts five minutes. Do not get lost surfing, do come back, I would hate for you to forget me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRB_ypEnL50.

It matters not what writing tool of the modern age I use, problems surround me. I was trying to format my first e-Book to Kindle specs in my Word.doc. I got to the table of contents instructions when I realized-after a few minutes of course-that I could go no further. My computer was new and I have Word Starter, not the full Word, which cost more money than I was willing to spend. I found a formatting website whose rates were good, meaning cheaper than buying the full Microsoft Word program.

On the formatting website I can look at my book through a viewer and edit as I go. Over eight days, I proofread 250 times-literally-there was a counter that gave me a revision count. The revisions included both revising the entire book, or sections of the book. My Kindle app showed what it should look like. But I would see a space between lines where no line was showing in my viewer; some I could fix, not easily though, and others had to be done from their website. Glitches you know.

And of course I have a printer that freezes in the middle of printing 95% of the time causing no end of aggravation, made more aggravating by not having anything in the manual to tell me why. I said manual, but it is two pages, and this from a major company.

On one of the days I was having both formatting and printing problems, I wrote a film review on my website. When I clicked preview, the screen went back and that little processing icon kept spinning. For hours it kept spinning. I minimized it, every so often checking. I did not want to lose what I wrote and could not remember if I had saved file, so did not want to exit. Finally, e-world gremlins won. I closed out the program. Luckily it had been saved. And on this same day my car radio display showing station and time kept flashing, but flashing something different than what was being displayed. Resetting did not help, nothing helped. It stays correct for five minutes then flashes instruction to something I had already set up. It is ongoing.

It does no good to gather all my mechanical and e-Age objects together. I have tried reasoning with them as Woody did. Computers, software programs, websites, car radios, you name it, they are in control, and they will let you know.

(Just after writing the previous sentence, as Jack Paar always said, “I kid you not,” I clicked ‘apply all keywords,’ doing so without looking. The name Cate Blanchett popped up. Why?  Is WordPress also toying with me?)

Enough!

 

 

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Filed under e-book publishing, humor, Uncategorized, writing

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